Listen More Intently

I have run stress management seminars for humanitarian workers all over the world. These professionals may be working in conflict zone, or in a headquarters office in New York, but they generally have at least one thing in common - a large part of their stress results from interactions with other people. This is not surprising when we take a moment to consider the dynamics of humanitarian organizations. They usually employ staff from a wide variety of backgrounds and cultures and expect them to work very closely together, often under difficult circumstances. This degree of interpersonal diversity can have many benefits. However, it can also contribute to increased levels of interpersonal conflict resulting from personality and cultural differences and communication difficulties.

Communication is foundational for satisfaction and effectiveness in most areas of life – at work and at home. For example, leaders and project managers are directly engaged in one form or another of communication for about 70% of their waking moments. Friendships and marriages are built on all types of communication. Good communication skills are a must if we want to increase our satisfaction quotient and minimize unnecessary stress in our lives by forestalling misunderstandings and demonstrating concern for others and their feelings.

Effective communication involves two basic processes: giving and receiving. When we talk about improving communication skills, most people focus primarily on the “giving” – how to clearly express their message to others. Yet “receiving,” or effective listening, is an equally important part of successful communication.

Really listening to others is often not easy. Our minds tend to think three to four times faster than a person can speak so paying attention can be hard. However, really listening pays off in a number of ways. It helps you more clearly understand another person’s expectations, experiences and instructions. If you can do that, you’re already two steps ahead of the game. Furthermore, listening can actually be good for your health! For example, research suggests that the act of intently listening to someone else tends to reduce blood pressure in the listener.

As we kick off several months of focusing on communication skills, let’s start with listening. Are you a good listener? In most Western cultures (and therefore most organizational cultures of large humanitarian organizations) good listeners tend not to interrupt, especially to correct mistakes or to start their own stories. They concentrate on what is being said and avoid rehearsing answers while the other person is talking. They give appropriate verbal and nonverbal cues, like maintaining eye contact, to let the speaker know that they are paying attention and understand. They refrain from immediately judging. They think before answering. They face the speaker. They look for the feelings and basic assumptions underlying remarks. And they ask for more information, examples and impressions if they’re unsure about what is being conveyed.

Today, why not…Play observer and watch how good you are at really listening to other people. Even if you feel that you’re excellent at hearing and processing what others are saying, write down some cues that you tend to utilize to let others know that you’re listening. Identify how you could improve.
This month, why not…Forget about trying to improve how you frame your message and spend the entire month doing your best to really listen to others. You might be surprised at how effective this is at reducing your stress.

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint” Proverbs 17:27

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